Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My Most Un-embarrassing Embarrassing Moment

Yep. You read the title right. My most un-embarrassing embarrassing moment. At our church there is  a women's ministry event called The Gift. You can imagine the scene, nicely dressed women of all ages, round tables, pot luck dishes, a dessert table to die for and coffee. Check in at the entrance of the room filters ladies into small groups where we catch up on what's been going on in our lives. Dinner is announced and one by one the ladies go through the line. After all the ladies have dinned, the hostess announces the beginning of the program...this is where we really begin with my most un-embarrassing embarrassing moment.

(This is long--if you read anything, scroll to the bottom and read "My Take Aways")

My sister Rachael and I have been asked to "do the music" each month. We have a theme song and we have freedom to pick a couple of other songs. Several months ago, when the May speaker was announced, I contacted her to see if she had a theme she would be working with and she said "adoption". She indeed had a song in mind. I listened to it and thought it was rather corny but easy enough to learn and agreed to sing it. Interestingly enough, this was before Owen and I had even had a single meeting with our adoption case manager, so I brushed songs sentiment aside and put it in the back of my mind as The Gift approached. Fast forward to the week before the May Gift and Owen and I were full throttle in our adoption process and the Lord had already begun to make my heart ache for our baby, but I did not even know it yet!

On this night, Rachael and Corey (my brother in law) were all three doing the music. It's been over 2 years since the three of us have done music together and I was absolutely dumbfounded at how good it felt to be singing together again. We made it through the theme song--roughly I might add--and then launched into "Mighty To Save"--a song we have sung hundreds of times together and my heart was full at having this little musical family reunion. Next it was my turn to introduce the song on adoption called "When Love Takes You In" by Steven Curtis Chapman. Now remember, this is the song that I coined corny and thought would be no problem. I learned the song and was very comfortable with it. Ha! I opened my mouth to speak the introduction and I could not get the words past the lump in my throat. Right there in front of most of the women in our church Christ was tenderizing my heart to our adoption, revealing in my heart a glimpse of how powerful this process is going to be. Choking the words out, I introduced the song and I remember saying "this is not going to be pretty"--but I wanted it to be pretty for our speaker! Caught off guard by my emotions, I had to have Corey start over as I could not orientate myself in the song. I am screaming in my head "Emily pull it together!". Finally, I start the verse and barely make it though the chorus and tears are streaming down my face...I see my sister move from the back of the room and go and sit next to Corey on the piano bench. Not going to help me over there sister! It was time to sing the second verse and I could not get the words out.

"And somewhere while you’re sleeping 
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be"

You've heard about an ugly cry face...well I definitely had an ugly cry VOICE. Rachael quickly realized that I was not going to be able to "pull it together" and came and stood by me...hoping that her arm around me would be enough to galvanize my heart for a few moments...but it only made me more tender. I love my sister more than I can say and was so thankful to have her there. More tears. Rachael finally took the mic and began singing what I could not as I stood there and cried. She had only heard the song about 3 times when I was practicing at her house. Offering the mic back to me several times, I still could not get a grip. Rachael sang the remainder of the song and we both closed it. It was probably the worst musical performance of my life--yes even defaming those horrible junior high performances--however it was most likely the most sincere and truest act of surrender in my life too. 

We ended the song and through continued tears I shared that I felt I owed everyone an explanation. I shared that Owen and I were starting our adoption process and apparently God was softening my heart right then and  there in front of everyone. Although I wanted to run and hide and not finish out the evening, I knew that the story being told of an adoption already complete was one that I did not want to miss. Courage, faith, miracles and a sweet little boy from Uganda were shared. All through the talk, Christ was glorified in a mighty way and I was blessed! 

I have a few 'take aways' from this musical debacle. 

Humility. I really wanted the song to be good because I like things to be good. I happen to love the speaker that was sharing and I wanted her talk to be set up perfectly. Oh how perfectly un-perfect this was! God is teaching me that this process may not be perfect and pretty and the emotions attached to it are real and raw and really strong. 

Christ loves me. He loves you. We are His children. Bare with me here. As I mentioned in THIS post, we are adopted to be heirs with Christ. While standing on stage, I was struck with a deep sudden longing for the baby that I know will be ours--this child perfectly designed for our family (just like all of our children have been). My heart & arms were suddenly were aching to have that baby in them--the desire to know this baby almost hurts!  Simultaneously I was struck with the thought if I ache this bad for a baby that I don't even know, that may not exist yet, how much more does Christ ache for us? He created us. He knows us. He knows what He's missing when we are not spending time with Him or have chosen to reject Him. The pain our Savior must feel for us, a gut wrenching longing, for His children must be so powerful. If my Savior wants me even a 10th as much as I was longing for that baby in that moment, how I want to be with Him. I want to savor His desire for me and bask in His presence, much like I know our future child will enjoy our arms of comfort. Yeah, that's a pretty powerful message to have dawn in my heart in front of a whole bunch of women! 

The third thing I learned from this experience is that this process called adoption can be a little on the emotionally messy side. I do not love crying--especially in front of people--I lose my skills ya know? I have heard several adoptive mama's say that there is nothing like adoption to soften hearts on many levels. I have said to myself "well it wont be that way for me, I am going to be logical and trust God." Ha! Already in this infant stage of adoption, my heart is being soften, I am being humbled and am growing to understand how great the Father's love for us! 

As with most things on this blog, this account is more so I can remember the things that happen in our lives, the lessons we learned and to have something concrete to give the kiddos when they are older. But I also hope especially in this particular learning season that those who read this blog would truly see how much Christ loves you and desires to have you in His grip.

Monday, June 18, 2012

We are still living

We are still living. Barely. Well me that is. I have been sick for the last week. I have not been sick in so long I forgot how it completely affects the whole family. Add on top of that before the sickness a whole week of VBS, a sister trip out of town for 24 hours, a cousin sleep over and a very large play group at our house. sigh. Owen and I spent the weekend trying to put life back in order from the past 2 weeks. This week we're finally hitting those days of summer where its so hot outside you can't go outside...gotta love 113 degrees today. I will catch up on posting & updating. Promise.